College Football Week 5: What We'll Learn

Week 5 is what I call "The Fifth Week." It's just something I happened upon back in the spring of 2011 after eating a bunch of Tylenol PMs and chugging four two liters of Mountain Dew Code Red. I saw the ether that night, you guys. The Soul of the Universe took off her mask and revealed her face, and I was forever changed, imbued with a sense of calm grace and understated wisdom, which is why you often feel so humbled yet comfortable in my presence. 

While that night was a metaphysical transcendence, the Week 5 schedule is not, which is why I call it "The Fifth Week" and not "The Enlightenment Boner." Still, there are some narratives worth observing, so let's take a look. 

ACC

Not a single ranked team plays another ranked team this week in the ACC. Of course, that would be impossible since the only ranked team in the ACC is Florida State. So, you know what? Get more than one ranked team and I'll spend some time on you. What is this, the Big East? 

Basically, yeah, handsome. It has Louisville stank on it now. 

Touche. 

PAC-12

Here we go. UCLA plays Arizona State tonight in a Loser Leaves Town match. I've been saying since 2009 that this 2014 UCLA team is a fraud. As far as I'm concerned they're the current poster child for the nonsensical adherence to preseason rankings that still permeates our beloved sport. Luckily, it doesn't matter so much anymore because we have an unimpeachable selection committee, but you can't convince me that a team's ranking doesn't influence its national perception, even if that ranking is a paper facade. On the flip side, Arizona State might be for real (at least the P12 version). Unfortunately, they're playing tonight, and possibly beyond, without starting quarterback, Taylor Kelly. For me, the storyline here is simple: win and we keep talking about you. And for the love of God I hope Arizona State wins because 

Transient

I mean. 

BIG 12

Oklahoma is off and Baylor plays Iowa State. So, I guess let's gut this TCU-SMU game. 

Transient
Transient

B1G

Normally, I'd stick with the running joke that is this god-awful abomination called the Big Ten, but I'm intrigued by Cincinnati-Ohio State. I know there is no significant storyline that can emerge, but Cincinnati might give Oho State some trouble. I think, unfortunately, that JT Barrett could end up being a dangerous quarterback by the time the season is over, but the real story here is former Indiana-LSU-Notre Dame quarterback Gunnar Kiel, now at Cincinnati. He's a big, strong guy with a huge arm, and he's seen more college campuses than Lee Corso the last two years. UC, which has only played two games thanks to a scheduling quirk which left their first two weeks open, can go all-in on this game. Because why not? They're not in a real conference (although neither is Ohio State this year), and a loss to Ohio State means absolutely nothing to them. Tommy Tuberville, a d!ck, is no stranger to playing big time football teams on the road, and I think Cincy has a chance. I hope they do because f#ck Ohio State. 

SEC

Next week--that's the week the SEC will begin pivoting into whatever shape it is to become. Still, there are a couple games Saturday to whet our appetites, beginning with Georgia-Tennessee. The game is in Athens, and let's see. Let's see how Georgia responds to playing a real team after South Carolina, who looks very bleh, beat them two weeks ago in Columbia. I expect Georgia to throttle Tennessee. They had a chance last week to work out some kinks, rest Todd Gurley's legs and put very little on tape in their sixty-six point rout of Troy. No, not your Uncle Troy, it's a school in Alabama. Tennessee is getting better, though, and this is a rivalry game. So, the real question is will Georgia fold and cost Mark Richt his job OR will that just happen later because they're Georgia, so they're going to the Outback bowl against Wisconsin aka B1G Georgia. 

*POWER NOTE: Really, UGA is B1G Michigan--they're basically the same program the last fifty years. But Michigan ain't goin to no Outback Bowl this year. 

Next, Missouri travels to Williams-Brice to take on South Carolina, and both of these teams looked super Georgia last week. Yeah, no, I typed that correctly. They both looked pitiful. Good SEC teams don't lose to Indiana (shame on you, Mizzou). Good SEC teams can--but shouldn't--struggle with Vandy in Nashville. This is another win or go home game. The loser is out in the SEC East while South Carolina will move on because Missouri was a total fluke last year and YOU LOST TO INDIANA, BRO. 

See also: College Football Week 4: What We Learned