United States of America Soaring Bald Eagles of Victory & Justice v. Germany: Not in the Face

Thanks to injuries to two of Portugal’s best Ten Other Guys and a truly herculean effort from Ghana, our new solid bros, Group G is unbelievably still up for grabs. For everyone. Which sucks. Because instead of Ghana or Portugal, both of whom aren’t really that scary, we have to deal with Germany, and if World Civ taught us anything it’s that you don’t never back no German into a corner because they have a pretty well-documented history of overf#ckingreacting. So, what do you think they’re going to do today—come out and buckle under the pressure? No because breeding. Come out and have mercy? No because back to back World War Runners-up. Come out and be afraid of our beautiful, glorious Stars and Stripes? No because this isn’t basketball.

You have no idea how awful I feel for writing this, but I saw in the HBO documentary series The Newsroom that journalism is all about being objective and understanding that the wholly unattractive girl with what I assume has to be the least effective peripheral vision ever is hot, while Olivia Munn (see headline picture) can’t get a guy because she’s too smart. So, I must plow forward, and pass along one of what will be many tenets loyal Power K readers will adopt into their lives: If your hallways aren’t lined with black & white photos of past champions they shan’t be lined with color photos of future champions.

Now, when I say tenet what I really mean is not a tenet at all, but a contextual understanding and application of sports history. Teams that have won tend to win. Call if momentum if you’d like. I call it tradition. Teams that have not won have a difficult time breaking through. It doesn’t mean it can’t be done; it means that the old boxing adage, to beat the champ you’ve got to beat the champ, is applicable here as well, and if you read this post, you know that Klinsmann is building toward 2018, and never  had any designs on making any noise in this World Cup (otherwise, you put Donovan on the 23 regardless of how many times he’s mentally checked out since 2010).

I know it’s not what you want to read, but let’s take a cold—and, frankly,  kind of German—look at what awaits us in today’s match. I won’t go into position by position detail because I’m not qualified and I think there are only a few of you who would understand it anyway. I’ll just say it straight out like this: we have no advantages. Position for position, they are better. Maybe Neuer and Howard push at keeper, but Neuer has a lot more experience in high-pressure international matches. We have Michael Bradley. They have Mesut Ozil. And Toni Kroos. And Bastian Schweinsteiger. And Sami Khedira (all of whom {BLASPHEMY ALERT} are better than Michael Bradley. By a lot). We have Clint Dempsey. They have Mario Gotze. And Thomas Muller. And Miroslav Klose. We have Kyle Beckerman. They have looser marijuana regulation. So you see, they’re better in every way. Victory today—and my fingers are rejecting typing this, but I soldier on—is not going to happen. Begin preparing for that now.

BUT.

But?

But. We have something they don’t.

What’s that, handsome?

Back to back World War Championships. We’re the MFing America of going to war.

But, how does that help us in tomorrow’s—wait, that doesn’t make sense. We’re already America—in everything.

Shh. Shh. Shhhhh, sweet angel, or your face will freeze that way. Just lay your head down and leave the heavy reasoning to us male models/sex symbols/ lumberjacks/bloggers. That’s why God made us this way.

 Okay, you’re right, and you’re soooo good-lookin.

I know. So rest easy, and remember when the Germans invade tomorrow and we’re saying “Not in the face!” they’re saying “OMG that blogger is handsome, and this victory in no way makes up for losing two World Wars because America is the dominant superpower, and we recognize that. We bow down to them because they’re the great United States of America Soaring Bald Eagles of Victory and Justice, and we would never tread because we’re grateful for their friendship because if Russia had won Double U Double U Two, we’d all be wearing olive green and drinking room-temperature vodka, and wishing there was a wall, and our climate, which is currently temperate, would be an arctic tundra, and we would always be sad and Rocky IV wouldn’t even make sense to us.”

They’ll be saying that. So drink a great American beer, whether it’s a Belgian Budweiser or a South African Miller, and enjoy the day. And root for a Ghana-Portugal draw. That’s important, I probably should’ve pointed that out when I linked that gawdy chart (don’t click on that, by the way, it’s confusing. We just need to either win or draw, and if we don’t, we need Portugal and Ghana to draw to advance to the knockout stage).

 

Footnotes

1.       All credit to Men in Blazers