Mike & Mike Pee on Their Own Nuts

The thing about sports talk radio is that it just sucks so much--especially on the national level. Think about it. How many national sports radio shows do you listen to that you actually like and how many do you listen to solely because nothing else is on and you don't like Taylor Swift and WFPK* isn't coming in clearly? Outside of SVP & Russillo and Dan Patrick, I can't think of a single national radio show--especially on ESPN Radio--that is little more than the blathering of a dilettante--or in the case of the aforeinsulted Mike and Mike--dilettantes

Mike and Mike, in my almost never humble opinion, should stick to their shtick, which if you've ever listened, goes something like this. Observe, from Defend Cleveland which tackles why they suck in more detail than I plan to here: 

"It can’t be just me that realizes that this “Mutt N Jeff” act of theirs is totally contrived.  Can we assume that everyone listening is aware that they have pre planned which side of every “issue” they are on prior to broadcast?

Hey, Greeny thinks Rob Gronkowski shouldn’t have been ripping his shirt off on the dance floor after his team lost the Super Bowl ten minutes ago?  What?  What?!  Golic is going to weigh in from “the player’s perspective” and say it’s OK?  Uh-oh!  Better batten down the hatches!  Here they go again!  Will they ever get along?"

Brilliant. He goes on to talk about the ridiculous way in which they (along with every other ESPN "personality" uses nicknames (Cris Carter is CC, Berman is Boomer, or "Boom," Keyshawn Johnson is "Key," Steve Young is "Mormon") to hammer home the point that "Hey, these guys are just a bunch of guys sitting around talking about football. My friends and I do that, too. We're the same! Isn't that right, K-Sizzle, Dorf and Moose?"

Today (or maybe it was yesterday or last week, I have no idea), these blithering idiots took to the airwaves to take shots at Grantland editor-in-chief and Hero of the Blog, Bill Simmons, on his Lebron take upon his return to Cleveland. Listen: 

To which Simmons responded via Twitter with more restraint than I could've managed. 

Something smells fishy here when Golic, a mouthbreather, takes such exception to an out-of-context and fairly innocuous take on Lebron, but guffaws like a monkey when Mark Schlereth (you know--"Stink"--Oh man, I'd love to know why they call him that!) says his hair could survive the Holocaust.

I contend that one of two things are afoot:

  1. ESPN is trying to push Simmons out, and none of their other popular radio talent (SVP, Russillo, Cowhered, all of whom like Simmons) was willing to do the dirty work of trying to discredit him or
  2. This was all staged. It's just too bizarre for someone from within the same company to be so brazenly disrespectful toward a colleague--especially a colleague who wields much more power than the talking stump who's firing shots. 

If it's the former, ESPN is going to have to do a little better than Golic, a person no one with an IQ higher than a chinstrap respects as an opinionmaker. If it's the latter then I don't care to know what else they've been staging. Was the Tony Kornheiser-Hannah Storm kerfuffle orchestrated by Vince McMahon? Are Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith actually hollowed out animatronic (asshole) puppets? 

For a network long bereft of original thought, it's becoming clearer and clearer that ESPN is no longer in the business of mattering on a cultural level. Like MTV they're happy to step aside and make room for someone else to matter. ESPN shows games now. That's their cash cow, and anyone who dares step out of line will be stifled by management then tarred and feathered by a man who pees on his own nuts. 

*Louisville readers only