Power K Mailbag: The Sound and the Fury Vol. 2

Do you ever just sit back and wonder: How did I get so lucky? Unless you're starring in a Hallmark made for TV movie, probably not. I do, though, because I've been blessed with a readership which loves me to the point of worship. Your devotion, dear readers, is what keeps this blog going, and I now return that love by answering your questions. Enjoy. 

Hey Fuckwad,
Your website sucks !!!!! It's typical uKAY idiocy and your a terrible writer !!!!! UL cant recruit?!?!?!?!?! Why dont u check out the recruiting rankings !!!!!!!!! Now go away !!!!!!!!!!  -- PortlyGolfBoi78

Thanks for writing, PortlyBoi--I hope you don't mind that I call you PortlyGolfBoi78, but you didn't sign your email, so I had to come up with something. Before I get to your recruiting point, I'd like to address something that's been on my mind for a while, and no I'm not talking about the life expectancy of your SHIFT + 1 keys. I'm talking about the space between the last word of your sentence and the punctuation mark. Now, to be fair, this isn't a Portly Golfer problem--far from it. It's an epidemic. I see it on Twitter, in text messages and now that it's slithered its way into my mailbag it's time to take a stand. I can't believe I have to say this to a bunch of adults, but STOP IT. Punctuation comes directly after the last word of your sentence (without a space). You can't just punctuate a sentence when ever you get around to it                      !

See what I mean                                        ?    

Sorry about that, pet peeves, you know? To your point about recruiting rankings, nuh uh though because RECRUITING CLASSES RANKED

Hi Douche Nozzle, 
Too bad all those recruiting classes for STEWPS and the Kayhuts don't equal WINS (the whole point of the game). Congrats on your first SEC win in two years. Now go get cancer and die.
-- B DUBBBBBBBB

Hello, B Dubbbbbbbb. Actually, those recruiting classes do equal wins, as you pointed out in your second statement (thanks, by the way, I was excited, too). The number of wins, of course, remains to be seen, but I contend that accumulation of talent, developing that talent and creative offensive/solid defensive schemes are the fundamental principles of program building, and Stoops has done a magnificent job so far in at least the first two respects; additionally, I have reason to be optimistic about the third. Do the work, and the results take care of themselves, that's my philosophy.

As for your third point, A) I'd rather not (die of cancer) and B) I have to admit that seems like a dangerously abrupt transition to go from "congratulations" to "die this way specifically, and in a timely manner." According to WebMD, you may have bipolar disorder, a concussion, early onset dementia or possibly something worse. Please go get that checked out.  

Transient
Hi handsome,
You want big (redacted: anatomical)? Email me for how to get such big (redacted: NC-17) and we can (redacted: sex) all night long.
xoxoxoxo 
Tanya

Hi Tanya, I was going to email you back, but I was a little worried that you might be spam because your email address is Cyrillic and has a patronymic, which, from reading spy novels I know is something only men can add to their last name. Also, your command of the English language is way stronger than most of my emailers. Anyway, thanks so much for reaching out, but I'm afraid I'll have to politely decline. Thanks for (probably not) reading Power K, and stay warm. Moscow's cold in October. Also, July. 

"Tanya" 

"Tanya"