Lil Bronzie Watch: Week 7

We're at the halfway point (depressing), and thanks to Bryan Allen, a shithead, the Lil Bronzie Watch (and, less importantly, the Heisman race) has been turned on its ear. Gurley was the cusp of entering Final Jeopardy with an insurmountable lead, but thanks to Bryan Allen, a butthurt jabroni with a button weiner, I'm not even sure when Gurley will take the field again. But the Lil Bronzie is bigger than any one man, so we must carry on. 

"They call me Little John. But don't let my name fool you; in real life, I'm very big."

"They call me Little John. But don't let my name fool you; in real life, I'm very big."

FINALISTS

4. Everett Golson, Notre Dame QB

He just keeps hanging around, you know? Notre Dame was awful Saturday, but Golson accounted for 370 yards and 3 touchdowns, carrying the Irish to victory on a day when it looked like they were looking ahead to Florida State. Consider next week a referendum on Golson's Heisman and Lil Bronzie candidacy. If he leads the Irish past Jameis Winston (who, I'm sorry, how is he playing? Oh, because Florida State), he'll vault up everyone's list, including Lil Bronzie's. If he loses and plays poorly, then I think we say goodbye to the Heisman for Bronzie campaign. 

3. Melvin Gordon III, Wisconsin RB

MG3 was at it again Saturday, racking up 175 yards and 3 touchdowns on the ground. The problem was that the other team's jerseys said "Illinois," which is B1Gspeak for "He Who Can't Tackle or Play Competitive Football." MG3 has already passed 1000 yards for the season, and at this rate he should pass 2000 by Halloween (math). It won't be enough to win the Heisman, but thanks to Bryan Allen, a real walking human piece of shit, it may be enough to win the Lil Bronzie (but definitely not). 

2. Marcus Mariota, Oregon QB

Against UCLA, who exposed Arizona State and then went back to being soon-to-be 8-5 UCLA, Mariota passed for 210 yards, ran for 75 (on 7 carries), and scored 4 touchdowns. Unfortunately, Mariota's offensive line really screwed him against Arizona, and he has to make up a lot of ground, but the meat of the season has yet to be chewed, and thanks to shit-eating freak Bryan Allen, the field is again wide open. 

1. Dak Prescott, Mississippi State QB

In the biggest game of the regular so far, Prescott shined. Despite throwing 2 interceptions, Prescott rallied to account for nearly 400 yards of total offense and 3 touchdowns. This guy is really good. He's like Tim Tebow but probably a lot more fun to talk to. And thanks to Bryan Allen, who should take a long walk off a short pier because he's a steaming Jurich, his biggest Lil Bronzie competition, is languishing in Purgatory. Congrats on the....Oh, wait, what's that?

******LIL BRONZIE EMERGENCY ANNOUNCEMENT******

We're getting word from Power K Analytics that this week's PowerPoint has been awarded to 

Todd Gurley, Georgia RB

According to the Analytics team, Bryan Allen's shitbaggery is so far off the charts that, according to applied mathematical theory and the impossible task of dividing fractions, Gurley actually ended up with 800 yards rushing and 12 touchdowns despite not playing against Missouri, thus making him the only viable choice for this week's PowerPoint. Wow, what a shocking and not at all foreseen turn of events!

#FREEGURLEY

PowerPoint Standings through Week 7: 

  1. Todd Gurley (5 PowerPoints)
  2. Ameer Abdullah, Amari Cooper (2 PowerPoints)
  3. Marcus Mariota, JoJo Kemp (1 PowerPoint)

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